Daily Prompt -Invisible I am

Footsteps
009465a0fefd9f68733a5104d35dd2e6blonde invisible womanI’ve always had you on a pedestal but now I have decided you no longer deserve the honour of my soul holding you in such high esteem. I have honoured, worshipped and prayed for you. I have had many conversations with God about you. I have bored many a person to tears with the details of my unreasonable love for you. Psychologists have shaken their heads about my insistence on allowing you to treat me as you have. They’ve locked eyes with me and asked me if this is what I want for my life. I’ve shrugged and said “But I love him” and continued blithely on my way thinking how boring they are…what would they know about excitement….I hate their mundane lifestyles and narrow views on what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship. My life is exciting and unpredictable…..I’m not boring, I’m sexy…spontaneous….and a fool. I can’t forgive you for your words and your coldness and the way you used me and threw me away like a rag when it was over. You barely could speak to me yet I still continued to believe you loved me deep down…that you were repressed …that you couldn’t express love …but I would help you. If I showed you what it was to be emotional maybe I would tap into your vault….find the code to ease open those rusty gates of stubborn will….see what lay within….the poem you wrote…not to me but a poem nonetheless…I saw something of a glimmer of you…the one I hoped and wholeheartedly believed was within you. But your coldness froze me out and I had no words to use that might melt you and I hung up helplessly but always refusing to believe what you really meant by those icy pauses when nothing was spoken but everything was conveyed. In those pauses I held my breath and hoped you were struggling to express your love ….too scared to reveal the truth…and I’d piece those few sighs and “I don’t knows” together to concoct a therapeutic meaning ….a meaning I wanted to hear…..but those poisonous silences were meant to be laid out bare for my blinded eyes to see…my deafened ears to hear….my biased heart to know…and still I could not wake from my dream…my dream of years…of decades….overlapping millennia…until I stand here today…a lonely figure on the shore of a new world…looking out to sea…the fathomless sea….no one else is here with me….my family are here but not in my capsule of loneliness where I have time to sit and think and talk to myself and make up endless conversations in my head between you and I …..where we talk and I can express myself and imagine you are listening…but you are not here….no one is here…..on this lonely shore of realisation….and my eyes cast out to sea and about …to my feet upon the sand and as I walk my footsteps fade to nothingness…as if I never existed….never walked that road…and I know that each step I take will be invisible and no one else will ever know I was here or still am or will continue to be…because I’m in a bubble of my own and I’m tired of inviting others in…tired of trying to be seen….tired of pretending to think I ever have existed at all in your mind…in your life….on your bed…in your arms …..as if I was never there…it never mattered to you so it never counted for anything …..invisible I am….

14 thoughts on “Daily Prompt -Invisible I am

    1. Definitely no one behind me and hard to imagine anyone in front….but you never know…Just need to move around him!

    1. I agree…but can I stand the lows to experience the highs? Is it the uncertainty that makes it so tantalising? Just as well I am strong hey! Thank you for your thoughts.x

  1. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain over this person. Can you try, maybe, to take yourself back to before you ever met him? That’s what I do when I meet unbearable pain – to remember that I survived before and can again.

    1. Val…you’re so sweet. I’m not a depressive person at all. I often write when I’m feeling down because some poweful feelings surface, it is healing to see them on paper and then let go of them. After my Mum left the house to go to a nursing home, I bottled up my feelings for days and suddenly I lent over the dining table and wrote a piece of prose which didn’t ever need editing..it was perfect..all my feelings captured in a piece of writing. I still see this man…still love him and think he loves me but is so repressed with his feelings and set in his bachelor ways. The very thought of me in his life permanently (with children )would be horrifying for him so he spends his time coming back..getting close…backing away ..and trying to understand what it is he is feeling because it is so foreign to him and he doesn’t have a file to categorize it in. But I don’t have time for him in my life full time so as long as I dont get hurt if he goes out with another woman…which I will….then I can expect to create some more intense writing!! It’s funny you should suggest taking myself back to before I knew him, that’s a technique I used years ago with a boyfriend who was taken to an immigration detention centre for overstaying a visa ( a long story there!). I stood in the supermarket crying in the frozen vegie aisle until I had to come up with a coping mechanism which was just what you suggested! As for this current man, I’ve known him for so long..since I was 21 ( see ‘Kryptonite’ on my blog). My life before I met him was a kind of sad life because I was an unhappy overweight teen. I think I’m stuck with these feelings for him forever😐

  2. Oh love, if he can’t commit to you full time, he’s not worthy of you. Trust me. I’ve been there. You are selling yourself short if you believe for a second that you can change him. We can never change another human being. Never!

    1. You’re probably right…but sometimes I wonder if I’m the same as him…frightened of committment. .I’ve had two live in relationships and I never hear from them anymore. People can cut you off as if you both never shared a life together…it’s so sad not to at least remain friends. I love my space and freedom to bring my kids up the way I want to. I’d hate a man interfering and causing unrest which is something we don’t have…just a lot of love and laughter! I just want him to tell me he loves me and take me out to dinner…maybe one day when I’m an empty nester..see more of him then…but by then I could be caring for him since he is 15 years older than my current 52 years!

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