Eternally in God’s loving care

He will cover you with his feathers image“I just keep rolling from one drama to the next.” This has been my catch cry for several years now. Maybe it has been longer than several years. Yes, now I think about it, my life has been heavily peppered with drama. Emotionally draining, anxiety heightening drama. Yet I haven’t lived more than 15kms from my childhood home. I have only traveled to New Zealand on a three week holiday when I was thirteen. The rest of my traveling experience consists of travel within Australia…Gold Coast, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, Hamilton Island and tiny drives no more than six hours out of Sydney.
The drama I refer to has occurred within a small radius. It has my head constantly spinning, my nerves as jumpy as a faulty car alarm and my adrenaline levels so spiked I have no need to search for a buzz from extreme sports. A receive adrenaline charged ‘buzzes’ frequently. A car pulls out in front of me….my daughter jumps off a moving swing too early, I hear something that sounds like my son may be in pain and my heart starts to beat faster, an electrical pulse runs through my pelvis into my bladder. My brain, ears and eyes are all switched on to full alert. My mouth is dry, my voice is demanding…”What’s happening? What’s wrong? Why are you making that sound? Don’t you ever do that again….do you realise how dangerous that is?”
It happened tonight. I had just trudged down the hall and into the bathroom to wash my daughter’s hair. I flicked the fan on to help suck up the steam. I turned the shower taps on. The fan and the water made it hard to discern any outside noise. What was that? Was it a noise? My daughter sighs and says ….“It’s Jet.” I open the bathroom door and listen. He sounds as though he’s in pain. I’d just left him in the kitchen running water for the washing up. Already I had a possible scenario playing in the performance theatre of my mind. He’s cut his finger on a sharp knife. He didn’t see it in the bottom of the frothy dish washing water.
“JET! What’s wrong?” I call loudly…angrily. I’m angry because I can’t believe the kids have to keep doing stupid things. I’m angry because I hate feeling all this exhausting adrenaline. Why can’t they leave me in peace. Why can’t they be careful. Why can’t they learn from what I’ve been drilling into them all their lives. My motto is “Be Careful….Don’t do that…”
“JET!” I progress to a louder more demanding boom.
“Yeah?” he asks. I hear in his voice nothing is wrong
“Why are you yelling and making those noises?”
“I was just mucking around with Poppy”
My Dad is walking down the hall near me. On the way to his bedroom. I don’t make direct eye contact with him. I’m too pumped and too tired to take any more in than what is immediately important.
“Why do you have to make those noises. Do I need that? Aren’t I stressed enough without you yelling like that and making me think something’s wrong?”
He utters something unintelligible. I add more…” Please Jet, I’ve got enough to worry about”.
My Dad walks past silently. I’m aware he sees I am highly over reacting. I’m aware he is thinking I need to calm down….stop yelling. “Yelling doesn’t achieve anything” he’s told me in the past. “You lose your power when you yell.” I agree with him but continue to allow my short tinder dry wick to flare wildly into an explosive, short lived, spectacular light show. Before it fizzles out and lies sparking almost imperceptibly…waiting vulnerably for someone or something to tread lightly on my trigger points…..and BOOM!!! And so it goes on… after day.
Tonight it got me thinking. As I washed my daughters long strands of hair….watching the bubbles cling to the golden hair shafts, hanging in there despite the force of the water beating down. Eventually the shampoo molecules give up and slide away down the blonde pathways and into the circular swirl of foam caught up in the warm tidal pool around the drain. As I worked the white creamy conditioner through my daughters Rapunzel like locks I thought about my catch cry. “I just keep rolling from one drama to the next”. I realise this idea is getting me nowhere.
My mortal mind is suggesting I am hanging precariously to life like that little shampoo molecule. As try as I might, the outside influences keep beating down on me….relentlessly, until I can’t hold on any longer and I’m flushed out of my comfort zone and caught up in a relentless tide, moving me along in circles where I can’t get a grip on anything secure to save myself. Eventually, I’m washed away….worn out….down the drain.
Maybe I need to stop believing I am a helpless lone molecule and start believing I am not alone. I am part of something bigger. What I am trying to hold onto is not worth it. It isn’t sustainable. I need to trust that I can let go and not be washed away. In the process of letting go I can be rescued from the belief of vulnerability. I don’t need to feel I am subject to being buffeted around in some random pattern of repeated dramatic events. None of us are alone. Molecules are part of a bigger network.
I am not rolling from one drama to another. Not in reality. That has been my idea of reality to date, but I need to change that view. I need to know I’m not alone. I need to know I’m a part of something much bigger than my human thought can understand. That reality is God. Our God is a rock. A firm foundation to cling to. In God’s care I cannot be subject to feeling vulnerable. In God’s care I cannot be subject to changing, uncertain circumstances. In God’s care I am safe, secure and protected. I cannot roll away from His Love.
No matter what the material evidence would like to suggest I have a new catch cry….
“I eternally remain in God’s loving care”

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