I’ve been sitting around the house for three days and one afternoon. I sit on the lounge. I change sides to relieve the unfamiliar pressure on my backside. Left hip….right hip….sit square on….sit sideways with leg elevated…lie down with two legs elevated. I’m tired of the lounge and how its fresh white cover somehow ends up dragging on the floor exposing the sad truth about the blemished lounge underneath.
The cover forms uncomfortable ripples beneath me and the sight of years of staining spillages on the arms and cushions is too much to bear. The warmth from my body heat has made the search for a cool patch impossible to locate. The knick knacks I’ve gathered for entertainment have been sucked down the side of the cushions into the microscopic world of cat fur, dust, pens, lolly wrappers and bobby pins. Scrunched up toilet tissue lie about like emergency room tumbleweeds. Multiple recharging cords tangle in a maze around my mobile phone and laptop. I reach down to grab my water bottle which lies rolling to and fro in front of the floor fan. While I’m down there I see the small white plastic packet of dental floss I keep handy for flossing out annoying bits of food from the hole in my back tooth. Can’t make it to the dentist for a couple of weeks.
When I become bored with staring out the window, endlessly scrolling through inane posts on Facebook, checking my yahoo mail and deleting emails from companies I’ve apparently subscribed to, I take myself on an excursion to the toilet. I walk slowly back through the kitchen to collect supplies….a banana, refill my water…cook a piece of toast…anything to fill in the boredom of hours lying prone. Will I really have to sit around like this for another ten and a half days? It’s true, I have been tired for months and the idea of crossing all activities off my diary did seem a little appealing at the start. Still….this is something else.
This is the longest I’ve ever, in my entire life been laid low. Apart from a week in hospital with pancreatitis which was OK because the pain had been so intense I didn’t want to do much more than sleep. That was until I read the first page of the chapter on Prayer in Mary Baker Eddy’s famous book, Science and Health with key to the Scriptures. The words I read that afternoon, lying on my side in hospital, sent a flood of comfort through me. I remember reading the quote from Jesus Christ and pausing, letting out a quiet sigh and smiling to myself. I felt free and unburdened by the oppressive ‘can’t think straight’ material worries that had been clouding my thought for weeks. It was as though that dark cloud had moved away….been dispelled…without ever opening and pouring out its threatening contents. In its place was a sense of trust and lightness…..a feeling that everything was under control, bright and worry free. It was just as another verse from the Bible tells us…
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” Mathew 11:28-29
I nestled down underneath the fresh crispness of hospital sheets for a peaceful nap, knowing all was well under the care of God. I never did have the operation the doctors kept coming down to chat about. That was back in the winter of 2012.
I pick up the glossy blue book, Science and Health, which according to the inside cover is my son’s copy. It was given to him from a wonderful Christian Science healer from America. He had been in Australia lecturing on healing and my Father, kids and I had gone to Manly to listen to his lecture. Afterwards there was a scheduled get together with the lecturer organised at a church a few suburbs away. It was a small circle of interested Christian Scientists eager to ask questions and discuss ideas about healing and listening for God’s direction.
My two children sat on the floor with another pair of siblings. The talk was friendly and welcoming and I felt comfortable and suitably impressed by the lecturer to speak up and ask a question. I went further and revealed how my fears present themselves like a scary movie….how I visually see the potential of how things can go wrong…how the kids ‘could’ fall…how doing certain things could lead to inevitable disaster. He told me to practice being still for just five minutes a day. Be still and listen to God. He said he wouldn’t be going to sleep that night until he’d had a message from God. As routine as brushing his teeth and putting pajamas on….he expected and did hear messages from God. Several times a day.
I shyly digested what he had spoken, nodding to appear pensive but feeling self –conscious. The lady next to me broke the silence by posing another question for the lecturer. I turned to look at her, pleased the focus was off me. A little while into her question I ventured to look back at the lecturer who was still looking at me. Was he saying a prayer for me? What was that expression? Was he seeing me as the child of God seeking Truth? Either way, I had never seen anyone with that look before. I imagined it might have been the way Jesus may have looked upon his followers and the people he healed. I’ve read the author of Science and Health, Mary Baker Eddy also gave people that kind of look. And that look healed…or the thought healed…..or was it the LOVE that healed?
I look at the man I love with that look…when his eyes are closed and his face is turned toward the ceiling. I gaze up into his face and the feeling I have for him is of overflowing love. Love I have to keep bottled inside and quietly express in gentle kisses on his cheek. Soft caresses with my fingers. He told me my hands were like a lullaby to his skin. I liked that. It made me think that even if his heart didn’t feel my love, maybe his skin did….maybe the love I poured out in touch and thought might send a signal to his heart. Maybe.
Last night I spoke with him on the phone. There are so many things I would have loved to have said to him but I felt awkward. Without touch and words I couldn’t express myself. I ended the conversation before he could, choking back the surge of emotion I was feeling.
“Goodnight baby” I whispered, mentally barricading those jostling words vying for the chance to escape. Those words wanting to say…“Good night my darling….I love you so much”
“Goodnight sweetheart” he returned.
“Goodnight….love you…..night” I blurted.
If love and healing can be conveyed with thoughts alone….through inspiration from the written word. Words which once were thoughts…..divinely inspired thoughts….If Love can heal and love can speak soundlessly….be felt….sensed….even whispered…then Love is all we need. Love just has to be felt. Love just needs to be tapped into…listened for….be made aware of. Love is everywhere and it’s the cure of all earthly ills. Here is the verse I read in hospital. This is the verse I am turning to once again….
For verily I say unto you,
That whosoever shall say unto this mountain
Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea;
and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that
those things which he saith shall come to pass;
he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire
when ye pray, believe that ye receive them,
and ye shall have them.
Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of,
Before ye ask Him.