I’m back old friend…

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I knew you were here
You always were
But I denied you
Wrapped up in my layers
Of self defence
Self consciousness
Selfishness
Self
I denied my children your joy
Sand between their toes
The wind carrying laughter
Across the sea
Salted skin and freckles
Blonde tangles
Drip drip dripping
down suntanned backs
I slipped away from you
Shameful cover-ups
Hiding behind others
Slinking within your depths
Watchful and fearful
Of what others might think
I moved near you six months ago
For reasons like affordability
Practicality and sense
And I busied myself buying
Setting up shop, lounges, seashells,
Beachy blues and whites
Everything I’m not…or once was
Until I forgot
And your undertow
has been begging me
Licking at my ankles
Yet I still denied you were here
Waiting to awaken me
From this painful dream
Of adult complications
And painful self esteem
I was getting closer
Just last week
My daughter and I visited you
Ran about screaming lines from her school play
And the feeling I had afterward drew me back again that afternoon
With my son and daughter
and pink galah
We splashed and ran about
Flopped upon the sand
Their delight was once mine
In another time
Today I returned to you
This time on my own
Facing my fear
The place that was torn
Away from me
From my childhood heart..
my childhood love
The happiness and freedom
I took you away from myself
Because of society’s expectations
You are my friend
My healing friend
Your wetness cleanses me
Your sand sloughs away at my thickened skin
Your roar blocks out my self doubt
And your beauty reflects mine
When I look deep within you
I see myself again
Crawling on my hands and knees
Pretending to be a horse
Frolicking within white foamed waves
It’s me, I’m back again
I’m here with my friend
I feel I have evolved
Full circle
I’m here again
Once more

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